Some experience, strength and hope

Some of you may know my story, some may know parts. I have been asked by several therapist to write a book and maybe, just maybe one day I will. I want to share this because I am crying after just reading about the pain my sister is in right now. I hope that this will not offend anyone, and maybe just maybe help someone else out there that may have some trials of their own realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

I get my time frame mixed up, but here it goes...

I was about 13 yrs old.

It was a Saturday.

I was heading back home from the library and I ran into a girl from the teen group I volunteered with. She was smoking. I for some reason had a couple drags. I followed her and a couple of her girl friends over to her house. We talked, watched MTV nothing big. They started getting ready for a party. I looked at the time it was about 6 pm. I was going to be in trouble. They asked me if I wanted to go. I never had been to a party before. I was already going to be in trouble, might as well have some more fun right?

We got to the party. This my "friend" introduced me to a guy and asked him to babysit me. I remember her telling him, make sure I didn't get into any kind of trouble, and that I was a good girl. The party sucked. I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. This guy went and got me a drink.

After that it got hazy. I remember wanting to go home and he was suppose to take me.

I was in Maple Ridge at the time. Next thing I new we were over the Fraser River into Surrey. It was raining. He told me that he couldn't take me home that night. He showed me a tent were I could sleep. I feel asleep.

I woke up. It was cold, I had gum everywhere on my face and hair. I had bruises on my arms, legs. I was bleeding. I had hickeys all over. I didn't remember a thing.

I didn't know where I was and I thought I couldn't go home. I was so scared.

I got on the bus and made it back to my "friend's" house. I hid under her bed for days. I wanted to go home, but I was too scared.

I was going to get a drink at the store when I was met by a youth counselor for the teen group and he convinced me I should go home.

I went home. I was met by my parents who I knew I had disappointed. I looked am them and could not speak.

During the course of my teen years and even early adulthood I tried to avoid.

I used chemicals in all forms to avoid the feelings.

I stayed in the victim stance and horrible things happened.

There were some good times, but the bad overwhelmed them.

In 2002, I had a boyfriend try and kill me. I had a gun pointed at me. I had a knife held to my neck. I had huge bruises head to toe. It was a nightmare.

What was worse was the aftermath. I left him, never to go back again, yet that horrible night replayed in my head over and over and over.

I started to get some help.

I stayed at an abused women shelter.

I learned that I was an okay person.

I felt like a horrible mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend.

I kept trying to see were I had gone wrong.

Finally a therapist pointed out a few things:

1) I wanted to be a victim, because I sure in the heck was not choosing to survive.

2) I probably would never know why things happened the way they did.

3) I did I want to live the rest of my life?


Abra I hope you read this. I am not writing this because I want pity, Lord knows I sat on my pity pot long enough. I want to be there with you so bad, but I know somethings in life now.

IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!

This point I was at in my life was horrible.

How dare someone say I have to change something. I had been a victim of abandonment, rape, beatings, verbal abuse, drugs, environment, health issues, circumstances, guys, you name it.

I was the failure because of all this.

All of these things had only one common denominator. That was ME!

When all problems have the same common denominator, obviously that is something you look closely at.

I had to decide:

a) Was I going to continue to be a victim of circumstances?

or

b) Was I going to become a survivor of life?

I want to live today. Life isn't beautiful, and lord knows I been through a lot since this decision, but how I few life is way different.

I know that God loves me. Even though I have times that I have no one. When I feel my sisters have their own lives, I don't want to burden my parents, my best friends has her life, or my grandparents have too much on their plate, I go to god. It was hard at first, and my attendance and church isn't squeaky clean, but I know that I can call and talk to someone. Someone who truly knows my pain. After all he died suffer the pain and sins of the world. He to knows how it feels to not have the knowledge of god.

God allowed him to know the feeling of being forsaken.

I know what it's liked to be truly comforted by our lord. I have felt arms around me when I needed it.

The joke:

How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Repetitive words are so relevant.

So I close with this, hoping no one was offended, and hoping that it reaches someone.

There is nothing that one can't overcome, if one has the willingness.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)