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Friday, October 24, 2008

Some experience, strength and hope

Some of you may know my story, some may know parts. I have been asked by several therapist to write a book and maybe, just maybe one day I will. I want to share this because I am crying after just reading about the pain my sister is in right now. I hope that this will not offend anyone, and maybe just maybe help someone else out there that may have some trials of their own realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

I get my time frame mixed up, but here it goes...

I was about 13 yrs old.

It was a Saturday.

I was heading back home from the library and I ran into a girl from the teen group I volunteered with. She was smoking. I for some reason had a couple drags. I followed her and a couple of her girl friends over to her house. We talked, watched MTV nothing big. They started getting ready for a party. I looked at the time it was about 6 pm. I was going to be in trouble. They asked me if I wanted to go. I never had been to a party before. I was already going to be in trouble, might as well have some more fun right?

We got to the party. This my "friend" introduced me to a guy and asked him to babysit me. I remember her telling him, make sure I didn't get into any kind of trouble, and that I was a good girl. The party sucked. I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. This guy went and got me a drink.

After that it got hazy. I remember wanting to go home and he was suppose to take me.

I was in Maple Ridge at the time. Next thing I new we were over the Fraser River into Surrey. It was raining. He told me that he couldn't take me home that night. He showed me a tent were I could sleep. I feel asleep.

I woke up. It was cold, I had gum everywhere on my face and hair. I had bruises on my arms, legs. I was bleeding. I had hickeys all over. I didn't remember a thing.

I didn't know where I was and I thought I couldn't go home. I was so scared.

I got on the bus and made it back to my "friend's" house. I hid under her bed for days. I wanted to go home, but I was too scared.

I was going to get a drink at the store when I was met by a youth counselor for the teen group and he convinced me I should go home.

I went home. I was met by my parents who I knew I had disappointed. I looked am them and could not speak.

During the course of my teen years and even early adulthood I tried to avoid.

I used chemicals in all forms to avoid the feelings.

I stayed in the victim stance and horrible things happened.

There were some good times, but the bad overwhelmed them.

In 2002, I had a boyfriend try and kill me. I had a gun pointed at me. I had a knife held to my neck. I had huge bruises head to toe. It was a nightmare.

What was worse was the aftermath. I left him, never to go back again, yet that horrible night replayed in my head over and over and over.

I started to get some help.

I stayed at an abused women shelter.

I learned that I was an okay person.

I felt like a horrible mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend.

I kept trying to see were I had gone wrong.

Finally a therapist pointed out a few things:

1) I wanted to be a victim, because I sure in the heck was not choosing to survive.

2) I probably would never know why things happened the way they did.

3) I did I want to live the rest of my life?


Abra I hope you read this. I am not writing this because I want pity, Lord knows I sat on my pity pot long enough. I want to be there with you so bad, but I know somethings in life now.

IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!

This point I was at in my life was horrible.

How dare someone say I have to change something. I had been a victim of abandonment, rape, beatings, verbal abuse, drugs, environment, health issues, circumstances, guys, you name it.

I was the failure because of all this.

All of these things had only one common denominator. That was ME!

When all problems have the same common denominator, obviously that is something you look closely at.

I had to decide:

a) Was I going to continue to be a victim of circumstances?

or

b) Was I going to become a survivor of life?

I want to live today. Life isn't beautiful, and lord knows I been through a lot since this decision, but how I few life is way different.

I know that God loves me. Even though I have times that I have no one. When I feel my sisters have their own lives, I don't want to burden my parents, my best friends has her life, or my grandparents have too much on their plate, I go to god. It was hard at first, and my attendance and church isn't squeaky clean, but I know that I can call and talk to someone. Someone who truly knows my pain. After all he died suffer the pain and sins of the world. He to knows how it feels to not have the knowledge of god.

God allowed him to know the feeling of being forsaken.

I know what it's liked to be truly comforted by our lord. I have felt arms around me when I needed it.

The joke:

How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Repetitive words are so relevant.

So I close with this, hoping no one was offended, and hoping that it reaches someone.

There is nothing that one can't overcome, if one has the willingness.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

10 comments:

Nancy Heiss said...

I'm so glad that you wrote this. I'm so glad that you told me this.

I've been so mad at you for so long. So, so long.

I was six when you disappeared. And I've been thinking all these years that you left because you wanted to leave.

I know you've apologized for this, several times but forgiveness has been a long, long process for me.

Knowing this, though, has helped me forgive you some more. I realize now that I put more blame on you than you probably deserved--that was a mistake. So I'm sorry for that.

I love you!

Abra said...

I think it terrible that you felt you couldn't come home when you wanted to. I don't know if you know the excruitating hours that went into searching for you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I like Nancy, have had lots of animosity. I hate that. Just like I hated how brilliantly smart you were, you could walk into a classroom without prior knowledge, take a test, ACE it, and leave for another two weeks.

My question then is, why.
Why did you continue to leave?

You are and I've always told anyone I meet who asks about my family, a brilliant person.
I've envied, oh how I've envied your ability to do well in school.

I've struggled, I suck at math, I didn't do well in Social Studies, heck, I'm lucky I can survive in the real world because, school. Is Not Easy for me.

I think the only time I've gotten an A was in Drama in Grade 12 and that's because Alberta grades differently than BC by BC standards, I'd have gotten a B.

You, David, Nancy, Patch, Josie, I don't know where I fit in.

The obscure one who likes the theatre, fashion, and makeup as opposed to the booksmart people in the fam.
The one who is just a lifeguard or a cook.

you.
You have so much potential and always have.
Don't take it for granted.
I love you.
Love Always,
A

Nancy Heiss said...

You both fit in our family just fine. You're my sisters!

Nancy Heiss said...

One day we all need to get together and talk. We have a lot of lost time to make up for--time we spent being angry when we shouldn't have been.

And, btw, Abbi--why do you think David, Josie and I went into theater? Why do you think we went into swimming? Why do you think I became a lifeguard?

Because we look up to you. We think you're cool.

Myrna said...

Kelli, I love you so much. Check your e-mail.

MOMster said...

I think all you guys are amazing. I'm blessed to know you, even if distantly, but still I am blessed. I read Nancy's blog all the time, but your's Kelline, will become a daily read, or whenever you update it. Thank you for sharing this difficult part of your life. It has touched me in ways I can't begin to describe.

Mary Mauck

Arrika said...

Kelli,

I am glad to see you begin the journey to put your past into words and free yourself from the unwarranted guilt. It is even more amazing to see you and your family working together to connect. I can say that it is worth the effort! I will always be sad that I wasn't in your life a little bit sooner but ever grateful you are in mine now.

Dad said...

Now it's my turn. I had to give me some time to read your blog. Not that I didn't have the time to read it but Mom told me about and had to have time to re-live it. After she told me about it, it was the guilt I felt afterwords. I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm more sorry for the anger I felt towards you. I too thought that you did the things you did because you disliked our family and me. I wish I had the ability to turn back time and make it better. Parents always do. I think that you feared to tells because of what I would of done at that time to those who had wronged you. I have that problem of acting before thinking which gets me into trouble even now. I'm so sorry.
Guilt stricken DAD...

Canadian Dave said...

I love you, Kelli. Thanks for sharing this very personal history. I don't remember much about that time and I never blamed anyone. I had just accepted it as something that happened and something I could learn from for what not to do, but I never had it in the right perspective until now. Now I can empathize with you and cry with you. Thanks for being my sister. I think you should write a story about this for the Ensign (name withheld). I think there are many other people that need to hear this story and some of the realizations you've had.

Sarah Lindsay Heiss said...

You dont know me at all. I am Nancy's husbands little sister Sarah. I have been meaning to comment on your posting since Nancy posted about the phone call that you made to her. I have a very similar life to the one you have described here. I am so glad that you wrote down what you felt during that hard time for you. You have truly inspired me. Thank you.