Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Terror turns to an Awakening

August 30st, 2002 was a horrible night.

I was living with a guy who decided that I was cheating and lying to him.

He tried to kill me. He snapped my wrist and broke it in two places, held a knife to my neck, dragged me by my hair around the house, kicked me, choked me, threw knifes at me, threw a garbage can on me, and held me at gun point.

Miraculously he let me go. Thankfully none of my children witnessed this, however they had to witness me healing from it.

I went to a battered women's shelter. I was beaten inside worse then the outside.

How could this have happened to me????

I kept replaying this awful night over and over and over. I was hoping to see something, anything, I did to possibly set off this behavior. After about a year in therapy, my therapist explained to me that I needed to stop seeking for an explanation. There it was plain and simple. She told me that there was no justifiable explanation for what happened, and until I was ready to accept that, I was preventing myself from being able to move on.

I am so grateful that I went through this now. Bizarre, I know, but I'll explain.

When I divorced my first ex-husband, I just knew that God did not want me to be raising my children on my own. I knew that he would find a husband for me. I seriously believed that. So much so, that I grabbed at any possible relationship I could. I felt that I was so desperate, I mean who would seriously want to date an uneducated 23 yr old with three kids?

How young and foolish was I back then?

After that awful night, I sought out help. Not just to mend the wounds of abuse, but to become a stronger mother, person in life. It didn't happen over night, and by all means I was and still never perfect, but I learned a lot about life.

I learned first most that it takes time to get to where you want to be. Nobody wakes up with their education finished and behind a nice desk in a huge corner office. It takes time.

I started thinking about where I was at and who I possibly wanted to attract in my life. I started modeling the behaviors of people I wanted as friends. Now those people are my friends, one is my fiance.

I was asked the other day if I could go back in time, would I change anything?

The only way that I would change anything, is if I could take with me the knowledge I have gained through my life's experiences.

I have scars from that night, three on my wrist, but mostly on the inside. I am so grateful for them. They have healed as most do, but with a little bit more knowledge of life.

I no longer have to worry that my opinion is not valid.

I no longer have to worry I may talk to the wrong person, how clean my house is, how noisy my children get.

I know that we are safe and that we/I don't have to rely on my"knight in shining armor" to "rescue" us. I get to be in a healthy relationship that for the most part is 50/50, with the occasional tip of the scales.

I have a new found empowerment that I never had six years ago. It is such an incredible feeling to be freed from the negative talk I did to myself. After all, I am a child of God. I am a woman of worth.


Kimberly said...

What a horrendous experience but how amazing to draw the good out of it like you have. Beautifully done.

Rebecca said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your honesty and strength.