I don't know where to start and don't know how to end. The greatest pain that a mother can feel is knowing her children hurt. I am so scared. That's all I can say. I love of all my children, my family and friends. I have an amazing support system, if I let them.

I scrubbed the floor after they vomit all over the place. I wiped their butts through hundreds of diaper changes. I feed one with an eye dropper, while she was too sick to drink from a bottle. I held several tiny hands while they awoke from various surgeries. Bandaged and bruised I managed the best I could while I raised my 5 children.

ALONE.

Where was their dad? That's right "not his scheduled weekend". Surgeries I had he wouldn't take them. When they had owies or sickness he wouldn't take them. I struggled with behavioral problems....WHY? because I wouldn't bet them.

He has them 2 years, yes they don't act out, WHY? because if they do they are beat. I have pictures, doctor reports. I guess that's where I went wrong.

I am worried if he is on his own with the kids. I don't have to worry though. HIS MOTHER will take them in, that I can be grateful for. He won't have to do it ALONE.

My eyes feel with tears as I kissed my babies good bye. My heart is so heavy. I think of my babies sleeping in a strangers house, not able to be held by mama, even calling her on the phone is forbidden. Our allowed time for the week is over. My one hour visit will not happen for another week. Why? The case worker has too many other cases and doesn't have the time to supervise the visit. I home m children know that I love them. I cry everyday.

I am working on acceptance. I know that I am at fault, but it hurts so bad. I almost wished I was beating them or high on drugs, it would be so much easier to accept it. I think back to the stuff that happened when I was a child....sheesh if the same people would have been involved....I would have been removed before the age of 5. How many times was I playing by the pool, even after I almost drowned? How many times was I outside unattended, even after a motorcycle fell on my back, or I fell off the 6 foot fence I loved climb?

Nobody is perfect, including me. I hope what they say is true. I hope that this will help us and not damage my children more. I hope that this will not be a strong memory in their eyes, and when they get older, they will not condemn me for this.

Walking through

i am doing okay

Last night I went to Deeksha and was overwhelmed with emotion. I will be walking through a lot of moments like that. I hate though, people seeing my pain. Its hard for me to be real. I never used to cry walking down the street.

Have you ever just stood? Still, I mean? Taking in deep breathes and finding words to describe everything you feel? Feeling not emotionally but physically.

I stood yesterday, feeling as though I was at the end of the world. The crisp breeze was enough where I wished I had a jacket. I pulled my hair back and tied it in a bun. The loose strands whipped across my face. I took a breathe in expanding my lungs and exhaled slowly. Truly grasping and being one in the moment.

Brings us to the 2nd commandment. Stay in the moment, now.

Namaste

God is everything or he his nothing!

So one of the benefits to not having my kids around right now, is I can read and meditate more.

I found a book I haven't read in a while. It's kind of one of those self help novels. It was funny and sort of fate that I read that today.

After court Thursday, I was numb. Honestly I felt as if a knife was thrust inside of me and someone kept twisting the pain. I told my boyfriend that I felt like building walls up to protect me. Emotional pain is worst than physical, at least I think so.

I was reading this book that I found. The name of the book is "GOD ON A HARLEY" I love it. It's about a women who has shut of GOD and is trying to deal with life. God appears as a Harley-Davidson biker, long hair and all, named "Joe."

She first questions if he GOD. I love his response, "I'm all that is good and kind and strong in the universe." I am the energy that makes seeds turn into flowers and flowers turn their lovely faces to the sun. Though I may be quiet and subtle, my presence is not to be underestimated. I am you and you are me. If you want to call me 'GOD,' that's fine with me If you're more comfortable with a different name, tat's find too."

I got separated from my center over a week ago. I forgot that I have a creator that loves me and has no expectations that I am anyone but the best I can be.

I was starting to put up walls so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. "Joe" asks the women to pretty much let go of "organized" religion ancient teachings and open her mind to personal commandments. The 1st commandment was to not build walls, and learn them to transcend you. The women states that she likes her walls and they keep her safe, just as the purpose for why I started my walls. "Joe" reminds her that as long as the walls are up, she also keeps the fear in. I needed to be reminded of the latter.

Walls are now done.

I may get emotional, but it's okay.

I'll write about the second one tomorrow.

However I am going to start the gratitude lists he suggests. I am going to every day write 3 things I am grateful for, trying to not repeat anything.

1-I am grateful to have wonderful friends and family who accept me for who I am, the good and bad.

2-I am grateful my creator also created sheep. I felt inner peace, seeing the young lambs frolic in the fields.

3-I am grateful for music. A source of release, as the beat moves you.

Namaste.

Deeksha.....what?

Okay...so life as we know it has hit a pitfall, where I have a choice...

How I view and look at things. I have recently discovered Deeksha. It, for me is an incredible meditation. I have blessed to have friends that enjoy it as well.

I am okay. Right now, I get an opportunity to focus on me. I get to explore levels of meditation, in ways I never could before.

I cry, I feel, I am one with everything around me. The sun still rises, and the moon visits every night. Without pain, there would be little growth.

I have searched for something I never would find

I have reached to the point where I had ceased to exist

I never have been compliant

All ends now.

No longer am I afraid of what others may say, whom may judge.

My creator is all or is nothing,

I no longer choose where to allow the flow in my life.

Namaste.

why and where i am

I think I ought to start writing again.....I don't know.

At this point I am indifferent to life or circumstances.

How I feel and where I am are two different places.

I am hurt and pissed off at words and actions of people in my life. Not that I don't take full responsibility for actions and choices I have made.

I was asked to remember my teenage years and how I was.........I prefer not too.....I been through the therapy and relived it already.

I never claimed to be perfect, but to make me feel like a heel of a person?

I want to run or numb the pain. My head spins and people side step around me. Let the shit hit the fan....I heard somewhere that open wounds heal faster. I am at that point pour all the damn salt in and let me clean them out and begin to heal.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Become aware.

I am okay, for now and this moment. All I can do is live life TODAY, and in the moment. Namaste.

Magnifying Life

Okay. I admit it, I am not perfect. My hair is graying, my hips have widened, i have bags under my eyes. My lips are cracked and I bite my nails. So what?

My house is 89.9% going to be a disaster if you "pop" in unannounced.....i work 2 jobs, i have a life, and i have too many kids the "assist" in the chores. My laundry has mass produced in a way that is unexplainable, my kids don't always get a traditional meal. We watch too much tv and i forget to wash behind the kids ears sometimes......

What you don't know......

Often we're all found snuggling on the big bed watching movies and wrestling. Sometimes i let the girls do my hair, and i go out in public like so. There isn't any cobwebs hanging from the ceiling and my drawers are neat and tidy.....unless the girls messed them up. We dress up in my heels and turn the radio up and sing/dance around the house....i'll cut their sandwich into shapes with cookie cutters....they fix dinner.....so what it's crackers and frosting......once in a while that's good.....we rush and race to see who can clean the most.....we give kisses and even give eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses...my favorite of all is the beautiful singing that i hear from my girls.......

What would we see if we looked at your life magnified?

Its been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

Okay more of nightish/dayish moment but still it's been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

I laid down on my sliver of a bed that I sharing with my girls,to get some needed shut eye about 3 am this morning. My daughter rolls over and asks the time...."Leave me alone....I've had a bad night."

Let me take you back to Sunday night.....yes you have my blessing to laugh, scoff and cry along side of me.....

I went over Sunday evening to visit with a friend. I was engaged in conversation and not realizing it shut my keys in my car, making sure I locked the car first.

The lock smith comes, and I realize that I left my ways of payment at my home.....20 minutes away....so my friend graciously lends me the funds and I pay the service.

Monday night.....

I had promised the above mentioned friend I would return the monies Monday night. After getting off my 10 p.m. shift, I ran a couple of errands before heading out to bring the money.
I make a pit stop to get a drink and pay my phone bill. My over excitement of paying bills leads me to locking and shutting the car door, with my keys in the ignition..........

Luckily this time, I am in a setting where friends live and I am able after some time to get a couple to help unlock the car.

However somewhere in the mixed my cellphone disappears....vanishes into the night.

Giving up the search somewhat defeated and deflated, I head home.

Think it over right? LOL!

I get pulled over, my headlight is out. The officer was pretty cool, didn't give me a fix it ticket, just warned me to get it fixed, and sent me on my way.

I get home and go to crawl into my bed feeling like the walking dead...........only to try and scoop up one of my girls to make some room for me and she had soaked the bed.

Too tired to deal with waking all of the girls up, I round the other side of the bed and slip into the tiny sliver not being used....thanking grandma silently for plastic sheet over the mattress.

This morning...........

Rolling out of bed late this morning and one of the twins fighting daycare, I decide screw it. I'll go to work late and get a phone. On the way into the office to tell my bosses, (remember I lost my celphone, including numbers) Olivia throws the seat-belt at Sabrina's head. Sabrina has a cut and goose egg. Then a few minutes later she vomits. I keep her home not knowing the purpose behind the vomit.

All day the girls have run me ragged. I did allow them to destroy the bedroom while I took a hour or so nap.

And tonight I am attempting to do it again...........plus business taxes...............

I hope it turns out better.

F.E.A.R.

This is an acronym that has been running through my head.

F**k (sensored for those who may be offended)
Everything
And
Run

or

Face
Everything
And
Recover

I use to act solely on the first version of this acronym. Lately my head taunts me with old behaviors of running, instead of facing. I like to escape confrontation. I really despise it and try to avoid it at all costs. Today I am walking through FEAR and I am surviving thus far.

I wish my problems were solved with pink heart cakes!

Olivia this afternoon, became quite upset when asked to get in the car. She took off running, then decided to come back, because I was obviously teed-off. I put her in the car-seat and she commenced into tears.

Poor girl, but I had no clue what was wrong.

I produced pink heart cakes....she wouldn't look.....

Sabrina grabbed hers and ate it up. (She is the candy/sugar freak)

Olivia finally looked up. I handed her the heart. She took it and smiled and exclaimed her love of pink heart cakes. Alas all has been forgotten. I wish pink heart cakes could solve my problems.

I have no clue

I forgot to blog a couple of days.....I really don't know what to say here.

Working two jobs, I don't have time for much.

Oh if you live in UT and you want to save $$$ on utilities let me know.

Monthly Resolutions

February's monthly resolutions:

File Taxes
Clean out car
Get a working computer


Just so it's out there......oh and work my butt off, take care of kids, and complete every minuscule task the state requests......

Daily or Quad-weekly posting

I told myself: Self you are going to write everyday on your blog that you work at the library. So I am.

I started out today nervous and apprehensive about a meeting with state peoples, parents and what had you. The reasoning....it seemed as if "everyone" wanted these big changes that I am not capable of comprehending right now. Perhaps down the road I can look at some of them, but not now.

The reality is....I have two very active little ones who are incredibly smart, a little too smart for their britches. For some reason I don't have the authoritive voice box or actions that kids take seriously. I'm glad....I don't want my kids to fear me.

The recommendation is therapy for the little ones....and myself. This could help, but it'll take time and I think we know all are on the same page.

Sometimes you gotta rest on you laurels

I just have to breathe today.....

Then everything works out. The kids awake....the hours pass by.....I just breathe.

I know that life will pan out and I will be okay.

I want to yell and scream and cry and stamp my feet. I want this just to be over. It's not. It's not going away quickly either. I get to continue everyday working my butt off for????? I don't get to enjoy my life. I am looking over what I do to find my mistakes before neighbors, media or the state does.

I am having a hard time not freaking out on my babies and blaming them for this horrible domino affect. I remain loving and compassionate....meanwhile I want to explode at them and blame them.

I feel guilt, shame, embarrassment, tired, anger, sadness, my head is swirling and I am not quite sure how to let it all out. What is proper, what will work? I even have to be careful what I write, for fear they wrong person will read it and POOF! they're gone again.

I promise I will not intentionally harm my children.....if I ever felt like I would I would call someone.

Then I think the random calls I've made the last couple of months.....what were they?

How can I work, if I never know when I will cry?

I really don't know what to do......I am going to apply for a full admin job at my work. I hope I get it....maybe

it's been a long time.....

If you read this....I'm sorry....I am using this as a venting way to track feelings and emotions of what I am going through.

To catch you up to date click on this:

http://myrnalayton.blogspot.com/


It'll bring you back to where I am.......sort of............this is just a start. I think it'll be healthy to write it out, but it won't be very pretty....right now anyway.

I want to smile and nod and pretend everything is okay, but I can't as of yet.