I want to yell and scream and cry and stamp my feet. I want this just to be over. It's not. It's not going away quickly either. I get to continue everyday working my butt off for????? I don't get to enjoy my life. I am looking over what I do to find my mistakes before neighbors, media or the state does.

I am having a hard time not freaking out on my babies and blaming them for this horrible domino affect. I remain loving and compassionate....meanwhile I want to explode at them and blame them.

I feel guilt, shame, embarrassment, tired, anger, sadness, my head is swirling and I am not quite sure how to let it all out. What is proper, what will work? I even have to be careful what I write, for fear they wrong person will read it and POOF! they're gone again.

I promise I will not intentionally harm my children.....if I ever felt like I would I would call someone.

Then I think the random calls I've made the last couple of months.....what were they?

How can I work, if I never know when I will cry?

I really don't know what to do......I am going to apply for a full admin job at my work. I hope I get it....maybe