Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My eyes feel with tears as I kissed my babies good bye. My heart is so heavy. I think of my babies sleeping in a strangers house, not able to be held by mama, even calling her on the phone is forbidden. Our allowed time for the week is over. My one hour visit will not happen for another week. Why? The case worker has too many other cases and doesn't have the time to supervise the visit. I home m children know that I love them. I cry everyday.

I am working on acceptance. I know that I am at fault, but it hurts so bad. I almost wished I was beating them or high on drugs, it would be so much easier to accept it. I think back to the stuff that happened when I was a child....sheesh if the same people would have been involved....I would have been removed before the age of 5. How many times was I playing by the pool, even after I almost drowned? How many times was I outside unattended, even after a motorcycle fell on my back, or I fell off the 6 foot fence I loved climb?

Nobody is perfect, including me. I hope what they say is true. I hope that this will help us and not damage my children more. I hope that this will not be a strong memory in their eyes, and when they get older, they will not condemn me for this.


Heidi Ashworth said...

This is heart-breaking! I don't know what has happened but it sounds like things are super hard for you right now--hugs!!

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