Friday Fumes and Feelings

So I was looking forward towards a birthday celebration with Andrew and Christina, however when planning these types of events between households, sometimes I don't get what I want.

I suppose I have grown some, because as much as I started out this post to vent on how selfish and other words I can use to describe my ex-husband, I no longer have the desire. I am so very thankful he is an ex, and he is so for good reasons.

Jonathan and I have been taking classes for a month now on Step-families, or Bi-Nuclear families every Thursday night. Last night was my favorite discussion. It was on strengthening our relationship. So many times when we have children, we forget about our significant other. We discussed the value of communicating exactly what we need, verses letting our spouses guess. How many times do we think, "If he'd only ......., then I'd know he really understands me." Have we told him? If we don't vocalize what our expectations are then we are only setting our spouse up to disappoint us.

Dedicated to my Uncle Bruce, The First Part Anyways!

I wanted to post yesterday, but work and life did not permit. Yesterday was a Math lovers special day. It was square root day. 3-3-09. The next one won't be until 4-4-16. I actually considered waiting to get married until yesterday, but Tuesdays are just hard days....

I almost lost Olivia, again. I think the most scariest thing for a mother to do is allow her kids to grow up. Olivia is almost three and wants Independence. I don't know why, but she is very insistent on this. She loves to walk in front of me. The other night Jonathan and I took Olivia shopping with us. She wanted to walk, and since I had just the one child with me and two adults, I figured, why not? She would run a ways up ahead, but always stopped when I said stop. She'd wait until I said go and take off again. She was listening so well.

When we shop we usually have two carts, one for each girl and parent. We play hide and seek in between the aisles. It actually quite fun, especially in a place like Walmart. This trip we were playing it, but Olivia was next to me the whole time. We "found" missing daddy, and I reached up to grab some frozen veggies, thinking she was with the new "found" daddy. I turned back to the cart, and he was there, but no Olivia.

We split in opposite directions and started looking in aisles. Through each break in the aisle, we could each see the panicked face. I was getting more frantic by the second. My search took to a cashier. I explained that my two-year old was missing. She said there was nothing she could do! I started walking to the other side of the store, where customer service was. I think you could actually see my heart pounding out of my chest. I finally spotted an employee with a walkie-talkie and told her my situation. She immediately issued a code "Adam" and sent two employees to man the exits. Nobody was to leave the store with a two-year old child.

My arms were covered in goose bumps, I couldn't swallow, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I lost my basket somewhere, and I just stood there. I didn't know where to go, where to look, I myself was lost. I just kept praying that she was okay and that she would be found.

While all this was going on I lost Jonathan. After a couple of minutes, which seemed like hours, Jonathan came toward me holding Olivia. The tears of relief and joy ran down my face. I could finally breathe.

Olivia had been so caught up in our game of hide and seek, she wandered into the back stocking room. I have no clue how she got past all the employees there, but I am so grateful she was safe and sound. I think I'll keep her in the cart a little longer...........

Fear vs. Hope

What do I fear one my sweet child asked me the other day.

Spiders I told him as simple as that.

It’s not as simple as that, or such a quick response. I have a daughter approaching the Junior High years, and as I look at my other children, I have so many fears. Hey that rhymed and I didn’t try!

I am scared that she won’t fit it, or have the right clothes. I am scared that she’ll do drugs or try alcohol. I am scared that she’ll be bullied, or be the bully. I am scared she’ll have a bad teacher or get bad grades. I am scared that life will scar her and she won’t want to talk to me about “stuff” anymore. I am just scared.

I am glad that I am typing this and no one has to see the tears falling on the paper……
I have hope though. I hope that I have taught her principles that she can rely on. I hope that I have taught how a wrong choice may affect her whole life. I hope that I have taught her all that she needs. I hope no matter what she knows that I love her so much, I’d die for her if I had to. I hope, no matter what, she’ll tell me what’s going on in her life.

What are you?

Some point in my life I came across a pretty well known poem/saying that touched me. It got me thinking about ways to approach situations in my life. Some people think issues are road blocks or barriers, but I know think of them as a change of direction or hurdles to jump over.

Some people see a closed door and turn away.
Others see a closed door and turn the knob.
If it doesn’t open they turn away.
Still others see a closed door, try the knob.
If it doesn’t open they find a key.
If the key doesn’t fit they turn away.
A rare few see a closed door,try the knob.
If it doesn’t open they find a key
If the key doesn’t fit-
They make one!

I try to be a key maker in my life. What are you?

Terror turns to an Awakening

August 30st, 2002 was a horrible night.

I was living with a guy who decided that I was cheating and lying to him.

He tried to kill me. He snapped my wrist and broke it in two places, held a knife to my neck, dragged me by my hair around the house, kicked me, choked me, threw knifes at me, threw a garbage can on me, and held me at gun point.

Miraculously he let me go. Thankfully none of my children witnessed this, however they had to witness me healing from it.

I went to a battered women's shelter. I was beaten inside worse then the outside.

How could this have happened to me????

I kept replaying this awful night over and over and over. I was hoping to see something, anything, I did to possibly set off this behavior. After about a year in therapy, my therapist explained to me that I needed to stop seeking for an explanation. There it was plain and simple. She told me that there was no justifiable explanation for what happened, and until I was ready to accept that, I was preventing myself from being able to move on.

I am so grateful that I went through this now. Bizarre, I know, but I'll explain.

When I divorced my first ex-husband, I just knew that God did not want me to be raising my children on my own. I knew that he would find a husband for me. I seriously believed that. So much so, that I grabbed at any possible relationship I could. I felt that I was so desperate, I mean who would seriously want to date an uneducated 23 yr old with three kids?

How young and foolish was I back then?

After that awful night, I sought out help. Not just to mend the wounds of abuse, but to become a stronger mother, person in life. It didn't happen over night, and by all means I was and still never perfect, but I learned a lot about life.

I learned first most that it takes time to get to where you want to be. Nobody wakes up with their education finished and behind a nice desk in a huge corner office. It takes time.

I started thinking about where I was at and who I possibly wanted to attract in my life. I started modeling the behaviors of people I wanted as friends. Now those people are my friends, one is my fiance.

I was asked the other day if I could go back in time, would I change anything?

The only way that I would change anything, is if I could take with me the knowledge I have gained through my life's experiences.

I have scars from that night, three on my wrist, but mostly on the inside. I am so grateful for them. They have healed as most do, but with a little bit more knowledge of life.

I no longer have to worry that my opinion is not valid.

I no longer have to worry I may talk to the wrong person, how clean my house is, how noisy my children get.

I know that we are safe and that we/I don't have to rely on my"knight in shining armor" to "rescue" us. I get to be in a healthy relationship that for the most part is 50/50, with the occasional tip of the scales.

I have a new found empowerment that I never had six years ago. It is such an incredible feeling to be freed from the negative talk I did to myself. After all, I am a child of God. I am a woman of worth.

Joggers and Haunted Houses

This morning I got up, even though I didn't have to, put the turkey breast in the crock pot, and started this scalloped potato thingy. I realized I didn't have enough cheese, so I headed out to the grocery store to get some. While I'm freezing in pj's and a cold car, I see a jogger coming toward me. He is dressed in spandex pants and a winter jacket. He has a face mask pulled, so all you can see is his eyes. Talk about dedication. I have a hard committing to a daily walk cycle in Utah. It seems that there is only a few months a year, where the weather is tolerable. It's either too cold or too hot!

The other part of this post is for Nancy, who was just a baby when we lived in the HAUNTED HOUSE!

For about one year I believe that we lived in a haunted house. The location was by Sunset View Elementary, in Provo, Utah. It was a nice ghost that lived with us, don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I was scared of her. It was just odd. I came down the stairs once and saw an older lady scrubbing out her clothes on an old wash board. She just looked up and stared at me, kinda of in confusion, like why was I there, in her house, but in the same sense not creepy. Another time my sister and I were building the world's tallest snowman, and I looked up in the window. I saw her again, she was just sitting there watching us play. I saw her other times as well, it just became something I grew accustomed to. I remember telling mom once or twice, but I'm not sure she believed me, or if she was thinking was nuts, and she didn't want to look at committing me.

I am sure Abra has some vivid memories of that house. Think of me as insane or not. I know what I saw.

This is my 100th post!!!!!!!!!!

In celebrating my 100th post here are 100 things about me facts, quirks, and bizarre:



1. I have eaten 2 ants in my life.........4th grade in California.

2. I bite my nails, so I have the fake kind on!

3. My best friend's name is Laurie.

4. I have two Bachelor degrees, one in accounting and the other in business.

5. My hair is 12 inches. (Mom won)

6. I have a miniature poodle named Daisy.

7. I have a cat named Kitty (I call her Mama)

8. I love CSI Miami, New York and Reg.

9. Our TV is usually on Animal Planet or Disney.

10. I don't like to cook.

11. I have fibromyalgia.

12. I had 3 kids in 36 months, then twins 6 years later.

13. I been married twice, both to guys named David.

14. I am an Office Manager.

15. I am the oldest in my family.

16. I have a sister that's 6 months older then my daughter and one that's almost 4 years older than my daughter.

17. I listen to talk radio when driving. (I like the traffic and weather updates every ten minutes.)

18. I am LDS.

19. My largest baby I gave birth to was 9 lbs 15 oz.

20. My smallest baby I gave birth to was 6 lbs 4 oz.

21. My middle name is Evon. (Pronounced Yvonne)

22. My next best friend is my Grandmother.

23. I swallowed a pencil in my teen years.

24. I've placed second and third in BC Winter Games, competing in Judo.

25. I use to be a volleyball referee.

26. I love to dance.

27. I have lived in two states and in two provinces.

28. I consider myself from Vancouver, B.C.

29. I was born in Salt Lake City.

30. I love to plan parties for my kids. Where I usually out do myself.

31. My favorite place growing up was an overhang along the riverbed at Hyde Creek.

32. My favorite color is deep purple, however I feel like Barney when I wear it.

33. My dream car has always been a Honda Accord Hatchback.

34. My teeth are perfectly straight, with out braces.

35. I never had a broken arm/leg until I was 24.

36. I am stubborn, but have learned when to break down.

37. I love Chinese food, and can use chopsticks to eat all of it!

38. I make a delicious, but rich, tres leche cake.

39. I had a stalker for 4 months, that now is in prison for horrible things. (To someone else)

40. I witnessed my ceiling collapse when I was in third grade.

41. My childhood best friend, and still is Arrika.

42. My first love of my life was Farron.

43. I sung in a show choir in Junior High.

44. I love to act.

45. I have two nieces and nephews that I wish I knew better!

46. I love to decorate my house for the holidays.

47. I despise snow and the activities that go with it.

48. I will do everything in my power not to drive in the snow.

49. I want to work for DDI Advantage one day.

50. I am part of a wonderful organization called People Helping People.

51. I love Diet Pepsi.

52. I am beginning to think this is harder then I thought, coming up with 100 things.......

53. My favorite management book is Gung Ho! by Blanchard and Bowles.

54. My favorite Disney Movie growing up was Rescuers Down Under.

55. I hate brushing my hair.

56. I would prefer to wear no shoes.

57. I will not take a bath, I do shower almost daily.

58. I love dinner mints, but can't eat too many or my teeth hurt.

59. I cry at everything remotely touching the heart.

60. The last movie I saw was Four Christmases. I thought it was rough and crude humor.

61. I love living in organized chaos.......my life is full of it.

62. I try to plan things in advance, but nobody else seems too.

63. My ears are pierced, but I don't wear earrings. The metal makes me dizzy.

64. I am allergic to watches, my skin gets blisters under the watch part.

65. I collect shoes, but can't wear half of them because they are heeled. At one point I had over 160 pairs.........

66. I love my sweats and t-shirts.

67. I don't wear makeup.

68. I have to have my own quilt when I sleep, will not share it with anyone.

69. I don't have to study too much to learn something.

70. I can still do the splits.

71. My favorite candies are the strawberry hard candies with the filling inside.

72. I never thought I would have twins in reality.

73. Growing up I loved Escape to Witch Mountain and Return From Witch Mountain.

74. I use to want girl and boy twins so I could name them Tia and Tony.

75. My favorite book growing was Anne of Green Gables.

76. My sister, a friend (Stephanie) and I used to pretend to act out scenes from the movie and book. Stephanie always reminded me of Diane Berry.

77. Another one of my favorite movies was Pollyanna.

78. I had a horrible teacher in fourth grade. We called her Mrs. Rumplestilskin. She was very mean; she used to make us write out times tables and dictionary pages. If we didn't get them done, she'd double them. My parents sometimes would help me.

79. I use to sneak down the stairs in Raymond, Alberta and listen to my parents talk.

80. I one of the best babysitters out there.

81. I'd loose my head if it wasn't attached.

82. I take everything I'm asked to do seriously and with pride. I tend to go up and beyond what I need to do.

83. I have a hard time saying no.

84. I love free ice cream cones at Arctic Circle.

85. I have delexyia and I can't spell very good. (Thank goodness for spell check.)

86. I had a motor cycle fall on my back when I was little.

87. I almost drowned several times when I was little.

88. The first boy that every said he loved me was a boy named Marcus. I still have his letter. He was in my first grade class in California.

89. My grandma Layton bought me my first Cabbage Patch doll.

90. I decided I was too big for my dolls/barbies. I gave them to a neighbor across the street.

91. I had a popple named Puzzle that was orange.

92. I have a big teddy bear I got for myself when I got divorced the first time.

93. I had my house burn down in November, the following year my kitchen burned down in July.

94. My crappy beater car was stolen.

95. I love to chew on licorice root.

96. My sister and I use to go caroling together in Raymond, Alberta. I think we did it so much because of all the booty we hauled home. It was like another Halloween!

97. I seriously believe that we lived in a haunted house in Provo. I have told by others they have seen ghosts there too.

98. I am reading two books right now, Success is a Choice by Rick Pitino and Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor.

99. I love Micheal McLean's One Heart in the Right Place.

100. I don't think I'll do this every again! (It's really hard!)

A new New Years Resolution.

So much is happening around me this season, some good, some bad. I look at my children and think how luckily I am to have such generally healthy, happy, growing children. Johnathan is so nice to us all and he has accepted everyone of my children has his own.

Life overall is good. There is economic stress, Johnathan for his Christmas bonus received a 5% decrease in pay. My plant I work at has until April to show a larger gross profit, or they may be forced to shut their doors. Today we are okay.

I love this time of year. I don't expect much from anybody in the way of gifts, I just like to spend time with my family. I would love to have all my brothers and sisters together this year, but that is not possible, so I really hope the ones that are here will pop in for Christmas dinner. I promise no recycled pineapples this year.

I think that with all the stress around, we just need to be thankful for what we have and who we have around us. You never know what God's plan has in store. Enjoy the time we have now, because tomorrow it may be gone.

I think the biggest regrets I hear when people die is "I wish we had more time." Not, "I should have gotten that special thingy they wanted." I love the fact almost my whole family blogs and we can stay in touch, but I miss all the letters, tangible things I could hold onto forever. I miss seeing the handwriting improve over years. I miss the doodles on the side of the paper. I miss that. I am not one for doing snail mail very well.

This next year close friends and family, my goal is at least once, send a snail letter, and pictures from the children, that you can chose to display, store or throw away. Regardless how sentimental you are, at least I will have the satisfaction that I did something I want from all of you.

I love you all tons and I miss you so much.

Phone calls can change a lot......

I am still teed-off at my ex, however my eyes are full of tears again.

I haven't lived in Herriman very long, however we have an awesome ward. I met this gal Heather. She has one of those amazing houses and about 8 kids. I saw not too long ago, as she hosted dessert at a Relief Society progressive dinner.

Shockingly her baby died yesterday.

She was an adorable baby girl about 4 months old.

My heart drops a little. I think of my children and how I would feel to lose one of them and the thought just makes me shudder.

I don't even want to imagine what the family is feeling right now.

Let's keep the family in our prayers, that they will find peace with God and the strength to carry on during their grieving process.

I how I Feel Right Now.........

Emotions...............not Physically

I have a new car, with a CD player, and put in an old Christmas CD in it. My Dad made it for me years ago. I love Christmas music. I love Christmas Lights. I love the Christmas Season. I could do without Christmas Day.

I love giving, I love the atmosphere, but the actual day....

I am thinking next year, when my life is more together.....HA! Like this'll ever happen, I want to do the 12 days of Christmas. That way Christmas day we can focus just on family and the Christ part.

As soon as the twins are old enough, I want to go and volunteer our time doing a service project as a whole family.

I want to spend more time with my family. Life can change so quickly, and I don't ever want my kids to say Grandpa Who?

I really need to get a web cam and Skypee, so I can stay in touch with my sisters more, and our kids can know each other.

Growing up I loved knowing everyone. I knew my mom's cousins, their kids, etc. I loved that. I loved having cousins around, and truly knowing them.

When did life became so complicated? I remember not to long ago, life was fun.

I'm not saying there aren't any fun moments, but I could do without the traffic, text messages, emails, inpersonalizations. I miss getting hand written letters in the mail. I've saved pretty much all of them! Nancy's, David's, Abra's, Josie's even Erica's books she send. I have notes from Grandmas, Aunts, and anyone who thought so kind to write.

This year, I pulled the last five years worth of Christmas cards out. I have the last one from Grandma Conrad. I cry a little every year I've pulled it out.

Life still goes on. I have work to do today. I house to put away tomorrow.........

Face it I live in the real world!

I know there are some of you mothers out there, that have the "magazine" look to their houses, children, husbands, cars and what not. More power to you, but I live in the real world.

I like to escape for a minute and open a magazine, look at the air brushed people (I hope that's true, if not don't burst my bubble), the cars with shiny paint, perfectly clean and dressed children, playing nicely.......you know those pictures.

Then I hear a crash! Welcome to MY world....

My legs hurt so bad I can barely walk, when I do my hips are sore, my hair needs a cut about 6 months ago, a few highlights too (hides the grey), my hips could stand to loose a few pounds, my nails need to be filled.........

Sabrina has stripped down to nothing but her diaper, and is hunting for either a pair of my heels I can't wear or some dress to wear. She loves to layer her clothes with as many dresses as she can get off the hangers......Olivia senses the need to overturn every item in her bedroom, I still haven't decided what she looking for.......Rosie is making something in the kitchen, what? it doesn't matter. All I know its guaranteed to make a mess and cause arguments while she has do everything.

My $50 couch and arm chair is still outside covered with a top, poor Johnathan has been too tired after to bring it up.....my table is outside on my porch waiting to be put together.....my kids eat their mini pizza meal on a small kiddie table I have.......on my pink carpet......in the living room.

I have almost no spoons because we're teaching the twins to put their dishes in the sink, and the think we mean the garbage. Plates I can see, but always forget to dig the spoon out. My cupboards a mess, no one ares if a spend a day organizing them, they like scavenger hunt in the kitchen I guess.

My shower curtains torn, I bought a new one and I can't open the rings, my hands hurt too bad.

So while my life on the out skirts looks like its in shambles.......

I get home from work and am greeted by my girls with showers of hugs and kisses. I make an easy meal, let the dishes soak, and snuggle with the girls to watch Hanna Montana or Suite Life. I watch Sabrina model every dress she has, and then find out I have to wash them because she also found a chocolate bar!

My girls, my house, may not be perfect, but they both make me happy.

Beggars can be choosers!

I went to Wendy's for lunch today.

As I was leaving (mind you I am driving an old min-van with my windows rolled up) this guy came and approached my van. I had to stop due to traffic, and he tapped on my window. I tried to ignore him, having seen him use this same aggressive approach with the previous vehicle. I cracked my window.....

"Ma'am, (I hate that) do you have an extra sandwich I can I have, I'm starving!"

"Seriously?" I asked him.

I shook my head no, considering the only thing I had gotten was some chili and fries. I rolled up my window and was looking at inching my way into traffic. This guy kicked my van and hit my window! I couldn't believe it.

Luckily there was a police officer that witnessed this incident and came over. Hopefully he'll get his free meal in jail today, if they keep him.

I get irritated with people begging. The country we live in is a generous one. There are plenty of places to go to get help, people just won't do it. I know it hurts the ego a little, but sometimes in order to give charitably we need to also be able to receive charity. I think also people don't go, because the are afraid they might get help out what ever situation they are in, and generally people like this guy are afraid of honest day-to-day living.

I really dislike the term hand outs. I like term hand up. Being a single mom and a starving student, I know what it's like to feel and be desolate. There was a time in my youth, where I lived on the streets, but it was my choice; I had other options, but I didn't want them.

I am so appreciative to the state organizations, non-profit institutions, parents, family, and friends that taught me how I can be self-supporting on my own. I still struggle, but I am proud that I know can afford to stop by Wendy's for a meal now and then.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, Teach a man to fish and he eats all year.

Late night post???

I know, pretty bizarre for even me.

I up frying cornbread, or maybe I should say burning cornbread. Whenever I make cornbread, I burn it. It's a given. Just like whenever I fry hamburger I burn it. Oh well I say....but it's a little embarrassing to take a burnt cornbread stuffing to the work potluck....I have figured out the trick, I just peel the burnt layer off, because it's stuffing, nobody will know right?

Just me and my blogging community....and I KNOW I can trust you all RIGHT?

I was in discussion about parenting techniques with Johnathan tonight. I am not perfect at all at parenting, but after five kiddos, dozen of different parenting classes (Love and Logic, 123 Magic, Step Families, and more)
I have learned a thing or to.

Tonight I learned something.

Amazing, eh? (I'm still a little Canadian y'all!)

We were talking about approaches and Johnathan a nice guy and all, but he isn't very receptive to my piles of books and literature I have received from dozen of classes. I look at it all and it is overwhelming, but soooo wonderful.

He asked about what was in the scriptures. I looked at him. Then I thought of Christ. Christ spent his whole life teaching. That's what he did, taught through sermons and through parables. There was only one time he really ever was angry. He taught by example and through his love for our Heavenly Father.

I took a step back. I even pulled out the bible and did some reading in the New Testament. I found a parable to help with an issue that I am having for my daughter, I mean word for word! I pray that she will understand the message through it.

It's funny how revelations hit you like a ton of bricks. Duh! Here I have been sitting with probably the best instruction manual for parenting, and yet I never thought of it that way.

I hope that I can start to model my parenting skills after the Savior.

My first goal, remember baby steps:

I want to teach and be heard, not yell to be heard.

Turkey Day....

So, I hate the concept of Thanksgiving Day.

I like being grateful and giving thanks, but the ceremonial garbage, I never really like.

I enjoyed BTT (Before the twins) days. The kids would go to their dads, I could hibernate all day and night. I never went shopping on black Friday...we didn't have that in Canada...we had boxing day, until last year. I hated it, however I am still drawn to go this year. I am not sure why. Perhaps it's more for entertainment purposes, rather then to get any shopping done. I hate lines, I hate going to a store, to find out 199 before me bought what I was looking for, but I find it comical to see the shoppers endure this torture. Maybe just maybe, I'll be amidst them....or I'll take another roll in my comforter and disconnect the alarm!

Back to turkey day...

I really don't like cooking much; nor do like eating to the point of bursting at the sides, only to pretend I have room for dessert.

However I love my grandma's recipe for stuffing. That is all I really like about this time of year. I could make it other times, but it wouldn't be such a novelty to me.

The other day, just being polite, I asked Johnathan's sister-in-law if she needed help with Thanksgiving. She immediately was thankful, because she just found out she had to work, and she's the one that normally does this.

Did I mention I HATE cooking??????????

I hope Johnathan knows that I truly do care about him and his family, because I wouldn't do this for just anyone.

I think I got this meal down....put I need a good yam recipe....I hate the canned ones, and I can never tell when the yam is done.......I've never actually made the marshmallow topping, so if anyone has a good EASY recipe (preferred crock pot one) that they have done, please let me know.

At least the guys got this deep fryer thing for the turkey....I guess there's talk of one for the oven too,

Menu:

10 cans of olives, veggie tray, turnip greens, corn/peas, cranberries (not from a can), stuffing (grandma's), spinach dip, mashed potatoes, gravy, yams (hopefully if they turn out.)

Anything missing???????????????

A Mother's Strength

I thought I'd post my full poem I wrote

A Mother's Strength

A tired head laid down to rest
Overwhelmed was the stress.
No one could see; the tears on her cheek.
Amidst all the winter bustle and cheer
She stood all alone, no one could hear.
Worries falling with each tear,
Trembled down the sadden face.
How could life come to such place?
Full of pain and such sorrow-
Was there hope in tomorrow?
A disapproval from every eye,
Made her stifle a humble cry.
No matter what her reach,
Or what was in her dreams,
Life threw her to her knees.
Could the heavens hear her plea?
Cloudy were the skies
Could the pray squeeze by?
The bustle and fuss grew still.

Mother, I can see,
How heavy your heart is hung.
Troubles do upset you,
As strong as you be.
I place my hand in yours,
So that both of us can feel.
Alone we felt a chill,
United strengthen warms.
I know that I am young,
But by you I came to be.
Regardless of our ways ago,
Or where we may wind up.
Your life's turmoils long and hard,
Will help my soul to grow.

A poem

So every once in a while I check my name against various search engines and make sure no slanderish things show up.

I found a website, that I sumbitted poetry to years ago. I have two copywrighted poems there. Thought I'd share the link with you:

http://www.poetry.com/dotnet/P6453057/999/1/display.aspx

This one is a Mother's strength. I had to edit it for the contest I'll put the full one on another time.

I felt like I should post this.....

I know total blog overkill, but something told me someone needs this. I found this story and used in a Thanksgiving talk I gave at church.........

Thanksgiving Special

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an air bag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, may I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I....I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving "Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara...let me get your order."She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses; Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers."Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. "Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh....she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery." "That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk, "and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems," laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?" "No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special.

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life," Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too...fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you.

What do I owe you?" Sarah asked.

"Nothing; nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the life I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant." Praise Him for your roses, thank him for your thorns.

Author Unknown

My Ramblings The Day After..........

Yesterday I utilized my right to vote. I among my closest friends was really the only one that did. I know politics are not the most interesting of all the topics, however I choose to be somewhat informed.

I can say today I a proud to have voted for the first black American President. I feel honored to be able to witness this event.

My daughter Rosie, was about four years old, and being raised in Utah, she hadn't seen many black people. We moved into a new ward and in her class there was a little black girl. I didn't notice anything, until when we got home from church, my daughter asked me if it was okay that "girl's name" was her friend. I told of course, why couldn't she be her friend? She told because her skin was brown.

I told her that we all have different skin colors, but when we bleed we all bleed red.

This morning my daughter made a point of bringing up that saying. How awesome was this election? My daughter has never known segregation, has more Hispanic friends than not, has a teacher that encourages culture and learning knew languages. She witnessed the first women to try and win for president, and the election of the first black American president.

Change is good.

I also learned that over 90% of the promises politicians make, are followed through.....they just get a bad rap.

There are American Americans, you all know someone who is like that. Closed minded, arrogant fools that think the world is theirs and only theirs. They see only the red, white and blue, and believe that everyone should too.

What's funny is that they have forgotten. They have forgotten where most have come from. They don't realize how functional the rest of the world is.

I read a lot. My favorite fictional books are historical fiction. I read stories about people's lives, how it was to live through slavery, immigration, holocaust, and what not.

Stories about women who wanted the right to vote, and were denied time after time. Then they could vote, only if they had a property deed with their name on it! Yet there are women today that say who cares?

It is a matter of the lessor of two evils..............but at least we have a choice.

That's what our fore-fathers fought for, the right to chose our government, not live under dictatorship. We can speak our minds and wear what we want. We have the freedom to be what we want to be, live where we want to live, do what we want to do.

I'm sad that no one I know seems to care......

Most of us look forward to the day that we get our Driver Licenses. We enjoy that privilege, but how many look forward to being able to take part in choosing who runs our cities, counties, governments, or country? That to is a privilege that not everyone gets.

I laugh at the "American Americans". The immigrants I know from Hispanic descent, are honored when they can vote. The projection is that more and more Hispanic US citizens will be here in US. How much of an influence will that have on our government? They realize the importance of voting, and what an honor it is to be "American".

I am proud to live here in United States, where I have water daily (sorry Nancy), where my kids have a chance to go to college, even when I can't pay their way, where I can vent freely about my views on the government, where I can search freely on the Internet, (China is censored).

I love Canada too, and hope one day that the US will have a medical program similar........I lived both places, and am from both places..........

I am rambling a bunch of thoughts.

But I'll close with this:

"Knowledge is only blocked by Ignorance"

Some experience, strength and hope

Some of you may know my story, some may know parts. I have been asked by several therapist to write a book and maybe, just maybe one day I will. I want to share this because I am crying after just reading about the pain my sister is in right now. I hope that this will not offend anyone, and maybe just maybe help someone else out there that may have some trials of their own realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

I get my time frame mixed up, but here it goes...

I was about 13 yrs old.

It was a Saturday.

I was heading back home from the library and I ran into a girl from the teen group I volunteered with. She was smoking. I for some reason had a couple drags. I followed her and a couple of her girl friends over to her house. We talked, watched MTV nothing big. They started getting ready for a party. I looked at the time it was about 6 pm. I was going to be in trouble. They asked me if I wanted to go. I never had been to a party before. I was already going to be in trouble, might as well have some more fun right?

We got to the party. This my "friend" introduced me to a guy and asked him to babysit me. I remember her telling him, make sure I didn't get into any kind of trouble, and that I was a good girl. The party sucked. I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. This guy went and got me a drink.

After that it got hazy. I remember wanting to go home and he was suppose to take me.

I was in Maple Ridge at the time. Next thing I new we were over the Fraser River into Surrey. It was raining. He told me that he couldn't take me home that night. He showed me a tent were I could sleep. I feel asleep.

I woke up. It was cold, I had gum everywhere on my face and hair. I had bruises on my arms, legs. I was bleeding. I had hickeys all over. I didn't remember a thing.

I didn't know where I was and I thought I couldn't go home. I was so scared.

I got on the bus and made it back to my "friend's" house. I hid under her bed for days. I wanted to go home, but I was too scared.

I was going to get a drink at the store when I was met by a youth counselor for the teen group and he convinced me I should go home.

I went home. I was met by my parents who I knew I had disappointed. I looked am them and could not speak.

During the course of my teen years and even early adulthood I tried to avoid.

I used chemicals in all forms to avoid the feelings.

I stayed in the victim stance and horrible things happened.

There were some good times, but the bad overwhelmed them.

In 2002, I had a boyfriend try and kill me. I had a gun pointed at me. I had a knife held to my neck. I had huge bruises head to toe. It was a nightmare.

What was worse was the aftermath. I left him, never to go back again, yet that horrible night replayed in my head over and over and over.

I started to get some help.

I stayed at an abused women shelter.

I learned that I was an okay person.

I felt like a horrible mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend.

I kept trying to see were I had gone wrong.

Finally a therapist pointed out a few things:

1) I wanted to be a victim, because I sure in the heck was not choosing to survive.

2) I probably would never know why things happened the way they did.

3) I did I want to live the rest of my life?


Abra I hope you read this. I am not writing this because I want pity, Lord knows I sat on my pity pot long enough. I want to be there with you so bad, but I know somethings in life now.

IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!

This point I was at in my life was horrible.

How dare someone say I have to change something. I had been a victim of abandonment, rape, beatings, verbal abuse, drugs, environment, health issues, circumstances, guys, you name it.

I was the failure because of all this.

All of these things had only one common denominator. That was ME!

When all problems have the same common denominator, obviously that is something you look closely at.

I had to decide:

a) Was I going to continue to be a victim of circumstances?

or

b) Was I going to become a survivor of life?

I want to live today. Life isn't beautiful, and lord knows I been through a lot since this decision, but how I few life is way different.

I know that God loves me. Even though I have times that I have no one. When I feel my sisters have their own lives, I don't want to burden my parents, my best friends has her life, or my grandparents have too much on their plate, I go to god. It was hard at first, and my attendance and church isn't squeaky clean, but I know that I can call and talk to someone. Someone who truly knows my pain. After all he died suffer the pain and sins of the world. He to knows how it feels to not have the knowledge of god.

God allowed him to know the feeling of being forsaken.

I know what it's liked to be truly comforted by our lord. I have felt arms around me when I needed it.

The joke:

How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Repetitive words are so relevant.

So I close with this, hoping no one was offended, and hoping that it reaches someone.

There is nothing that one can't overcome, if one has the willingness.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

Life is...

I always liked Forrest Gump and the famous "life is like a box of chocolates, you never no what you're gonna get."

Around Christmas time we get those edible but not the best chocolates in the world. I only like a few of them. My kids usually have lost the identifying sheet, so I am left to sample some, till I find the ones I like.

Life is a lot like that. I don't always have a direction sheet guiding me in the direction I want, so I try one way and is doesn't work, I can change course.

That's one neat thing about our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He has given us the free agency to make choices. I know that I have more than a checkered past then most, however I am glad for the life's lessons I learned.

I am a very independent woman, who is determined to get somewhere. Right now somewhere is happiness for me. I want to laugh and smile. I want someone to grow old in our his and her rocking chairs. I don't care much about what I have material wise. I want to eliminate stress.

I think of the Hills that live or lived in California. How free was it to visit them? Okay so Nancy didn't like it because she got dirty, however I remember loving it. I'm sure they had problems and fights, but I don't remember them. I remember playing in the river, the divided bedroom garage thing, and how cool that their living room was pretty much the outdoors!

I want that freeness. Freeness is that a word?

Sorry lack of sleep, causes idle ramblings.............