Terror turns to an Awakening

August 30st, 2002 was a horrible night.

I was living with a guy who decided that I was cheating and lying to him.

He tried to kill me. He snapped my wrist and broke it in two places, held a knife to my neck, dragged me by my hair around the house, kicked me, choked me, threw knifes at me, threw a garbage can on me, and held me at gun point.

Miraculously he let me go. Thankfully none of my children witnessed this, however they had to witness me healing from it.

I went to a battered women's shelter. I was beaten inside worse then the outside.

How could this have happened to me????

I kept replaying this awful night over and over and over. I was hoping to see something, anything, I did to possibly set off this behavior. After about a year in therapy, my therapist explained to me that I needed to stop seeking for an explanation. There it was plain and simple. She told me that there was no justifiable explanation for what happened, and until I was ready to accept that, I was preventing myself from being able to move on.

I am so grateful that I went through this now. Bizarre, I know, but I'll explain.

When I divorced my first ex-husband, I just knew that God did not want me to be raising my children on my own. I knew that he would find a husband for me. I seriously believed that. So much so, that I grabbed at any possible relationship I could. I felt that I was so desperate, I mean who would seriously want to date an uneducated 23 yr old with three kids?

How young and foolish was I back then?

After that awful night, I sought out help. Not just to mend the wounds of abuse, but to become a stronger mother, person in life. It didn't happen over night, and by all means I was and still never perfect, but I learned a lot about life.

I learned first most that it takes time to get to where you want to be. Nobody wakes up with their education finished and behind a nice desk in a huge corner office. It takes time.

I started thinking about where I was at and who I possibly wanted to attract in my life. I started modeling the behaviors of people I wanted as friends. Now those people are my friends, one is my fiance.

I was asked the other day if I could go back in time, would I change anything?

The only way that I would change anything, is if I could take with me the knowledge I have gained through my life's experiences.

I have scars from that night, three on my wrist, but mostly on the inside. I am so grateful for them. They have healed as most do, but with a little bit more knowledge of life.

I no longer have to worry that my opinion is not valid.

I no longer have to worry I may talk to the wrong person, how clean my house is, how noisy my children get.

I know that we are safe and that we/I don't have to rely on my"knight in shining armor" to "rescue" us. I get to be in a healthy relationship that for the most part is 50/50, with the occasional tip of the scales.

I have a new found empowerment that I never had six years ago. It is such an incredible feeling to be freed from the negative talk I did to myself. After all, I am a child of God. I am a woman of worth.

Weekend Ketchup

I like that title.........

Friday it snowed, horrible. I asked Johnathan to come and get me. He must truly love me, because he did. He drove for two hours (normally a 40 min drive), in the snow, picked me up, left his car at my work, then went and picked up my daughters. Since the weather was still bad, he endured shopping for boots with us, and then he took us out to Olive Garden! It was a nice treat considering the weather.

It still took over an hour to get home after all that. Yuck. I hate bad weather.

Saturday, we went to pick out my Christmas presents. 4 bar stools for our counter. Now we have a place to sit when we eat!!!! I'll post pictures, but I have to find this adapter thingy I lost from the trip.

Saturday night we headed into town to go see the lights. The girls were as good as two two-year olds could be. I was surprise that the stood still and watched the Nativity presentation so well. Sabrina was with me and loved following the lights around.

We then went inside the visitor center and took the walk way up to see Christ. I remember when I was a little girl and visited Temple Square. I use imagine that I truly was walking up to meet Christ. Today I felt the same peace inside when I walked there with the girls. Sabrina was frozen looking at Christ. Olivia pointed to a little picture she found of Christ and then to the Statue. It was such a amazing experience to see her related the two things together.

Johnathan, Rose, the twins and I then went to the Families are Forever Presentation, thanks to Sabrina's willingness to wander into rooms. It was a nice presentation, however due to the baby deaths in our ward (we had another lady give birth to a still born) and the recent death of Johnathan's Aunt, it was a little sad. I should say happy sad, if that makes any sense.

Then we went off to JB's. This will be the last year that we go to JB's. Bad food, worse service, not worth it.

Sunday was a peaceful productive day. We went to church. Rosie has started going to Young Womens. She's going to start playing basketball on Tuesday nights. Her first game will be Jan 22nd! I also found my hallway!!!!

Hope you all had a great weekend too. Merry Christmas!

Olivia

Olivia is the oldest of the twins, by one whole minute! Ollie is her nickname and she has the sweetest nature about her. She loves her blankets, always has one or two with her if she can.

Earlier this year we almost lost her! She spiked a high fever at daycare. I felt like a horrible mother, because when daycare called it was about 4:30 p.m. and I asked them if they could wait a half hour because then I could finish my shift at work. They insisted that I come immediately, so I did.

On the way to go pick her up I called the doctor to make an appointment so that hopefully she could return back to daycare the next day if her fever was down. (Daycare has a rule that if a child had a temperature over 102, they need a doctor release to return to daycare.) I have a great team of doctors; one of which agreed to stay later at the clinic to meet us.

I picked up Olivia and made our appointment. The symptoms a high fever that was about 104. The doctor started checking her joints, and when she checked the left hip, Olivia screamed a piercing scream! The doctor looked at me in complete bewilderment and told me to get her to the emergency as quickly as possible, something was wrong.

I gathered up the other girls and off we went to the emergency room. Olivia endured several tests, but with no conclusive results. They gave her some Ibuprofen and sent her home, with instructions to bathe her in cool water and give her fluids and Ibuprofen to reduce fever. They told if at any reason her fever was to spike and not respond to the Ibuprofen to bring her back.

We got home late that night. I didn't get much sleep, because Olivia didn't get much sleep. Around 7 a.m. I checked her temperature. It was 104.2 degrees! I gave her some Ibuprofen, got the other girls ready for the day, and checked it again. In one hour it dropped to 104.

I was pretty concerned, so I took her back to the E.R. On the way, I picked up my best friend for support and continued up to the hospital. We ended getting rear ended and finished the ride up there by ambulance.

The doctor checked her out again and informed me that she did have RSV. That isn't so scary for a child that was almost two, and didn't really explain the high fevers. We were getting ready to leave when the doctor came in with a pretty large needle and a lab tech. He told me that something weird came back in Olivia's blood work. Weird? I requested more information. The doctor explained that Olivia's blood had some bacteria in it. That's not normal, but many times there is contamination that occurs. They wanted to draw some more blood and do the test again. Just in case there really was bacteria, he wanted to start her on some heavy duty antibiotics, hence the large needle.

We were then sent home.

Early the next morning, I received a call from the doctor. It went something like this:

"Are you Olivia's mother?"

"Yes."

"This is Doctor Blank up at Primary Children's Hospital. (pause) How quickly can you bring Olivia in?"

"Why, what's wrong?"

"We need to speak with you regarding Olivia's blood work. We'll probably be admitting her and possibly other things. We need you up here as soon as possible."

My stomach dropped. I was really scared. I had no idea what was going on and almost afraid to find out. I headed back up there for the third time in 40 hrs.

Again Olivia was subject to more testing, more doctors, more poking. They did an ultrasound on her and found a couple of puss pockets on her left hip. Then they tried to stick a needle in her hip to withdraw fluid from those pockets to do a culture, however she was just to little and they couldn't get anything. She was awake the whole time being a brave girl. She was so sick. I wished I could have endured all her pain so that she wasn't going through it. About 3 p.m the decided to do surgery.

My Grandma and Grandpa came up with their home teachers and placed their hands on her head. She received a blessing of healing. I have a strong testimony that blessings help those that need them, as long as it is God's will.

Olivia was taken into surgery, for about two hours she was gone. I could barely hold myself together. I waited while she woke up, then helped her with a Popsicle. They had to put her in quarantine room, with another child that had RSV. I barely slept all night. The next morning she woke up and was practically back to normal. We played all weekend in the hospital. She recovered quickly and was sent home. She had to have a pick line installed.

After she came back home, she had to receive strong antibiotics through IV for about 3 months. I was so happy to have her home, but sad to see a child learn medical procedures so well.

She had a Staphylococcal Infection.

To this day if she sees wrapping tape, she throws it away. Was really frustrated when I had foot surgery this last summer.

She is so special in my laugh and makes me laugh on a daily basis. I am so glad she is with us and is blossoming into such a beautiful little girl.

How an Accident was an Act of God.......I Believe in Miracles!

I have two people in my life I love dearly, but constantly butt heads together..........Rosie and Johnathan (my fiance). Both of them are stubborn and have a had time realizing that understanding each other, is not the same a necessary agreeing with one another. Both feel that it's the other person responsibility.

Sunday, I had ENOUGH! I seriously wanted to knock their head together. I told them so. They need to work this out amongst themselves are I was done.

Johnathan got angry, Rosie was angry, and I was angry. Johnathan and I talked for a minute and got nowhere, except hurt me more. I grabbed the kids and headed of to to Grandma's house, to give us a break.

Be careful how you pray. I was so upset I asked God to help Johnathan have a change of heart. I prayed that he would realize that he missed us and that he would come over to Grandma's and ask us back, or at least call.

After words I called my soon to be sister-in-law and she asked me to come over. I decided to do that and turned up the next street I could. I headed back home, to visit with Laurie. I was pretty much the only vehicle on the street, being that is was Sunday afternoon about 2:00 p.m. I noticed a vehicle a stop sign, but since I didn't have a sign, I kept going.

I was driving approximately 35 mph. Next thing I know I was hit. This girl hit the corner of the front passenger side of the van. It's a pretty bad hit, she totalled both vehicles. I have pictures, I'll post them when I get the adapter I left at work.

Act of God?

My daughter Rosie usually is sitting upfront with me, seat belt on of course! Her side of the van was were most the impact was. That door had been pushed in so hard, it is against the seat. This Sunday though, Sabrina (for the first time) figured out how to unbuckle all her car seat straps. Rosie, for some reason, went back to strap her in. She had finished the last strap, just as we go hit.

All the girls appear to be okay. Sabrina received a small abrasion on her ear. Olivia shows no injuries at this time. RoseMarie has started complaining about her back hurting and she has a small bruise on her back.

I got the worst of it, but so far I managing with the medications I am on. I have severe whip lash, goose egg on my noggin, bruised legs and a pretty big bruise one of the arms.

So how is this a positive thing in my life?

My daughter listened to the Holy Ghost feeling that directed her into the backseat. My testimony has grown through this accident. I know that God takes care of us. By the grace of God, my children are alive and so am I!

Johnathan realized that he wants to be a part of our family, and he doesn't want us to leave. He is far from being perfect, but he has started on meeting us half way!

Life is all about learning, when we refuse to learn, we might as well die.

If this seems written a little loopy, sorry, but I am a little loopy.

Oh, I also won some Jazz tickets and through my pain managed to go to the Jazz game earlier this evening. Jazz lost by one point :(. I took Johnathan, Rosie, Randy and my Grandparents. It was a new thing for both Randy and Rosie. My Grandparents are pretty big fans of the Jazz and enjoyed it. I enjoyed what I didn't doze though, and Johnathan was glad to be with me. (He's not huge on the sport thing)

So yes, this is my FOURTH accident this year. Third totalled cars! I am about ready to quit driving! At least only ONE of the accidents were my fault.

Till the next time--------

Late night post???

I know, pretty bizarre for even me.

I up frying cornbread, or maybe I should say burning cornbread. Whenever I make cornbread, I burn it. It's a given. Just like whenever I fry hamburger I burn it. Oh well I say....but it's a little embarrassing to take a burnt cornbread stuffing to the work potluck....I have figured out the trick, I just peel the burnt layer off, because it's stuffing, nobody will know right?

Just me and my blogging community....and I KNOW I can trust you all RIGHT?

I was in discussion about parenting techniques with Johnathan tonight. I am not perfect at all at parenting, but after five kiddos, dozen of different parenting classes (Love and Logic, 123 Magic, Step Families, and more)
I have learned a thing or to.

Tonight I learned something.

Amazing, eh? (I'm still a little Canadian y'all!)

We were talking about approaches and Johnathan a nice guy and all, but he isn't very receptive to my piles of books and literature I have received from dozen of classes. I look at it all and it is overwhelming, but soooo wonderful.

He asked about what was in the scriptures. I looked at him. Then I thought of Christ. Christ spent his whole life teaching. That's what he did, taught through sermons and through parables. There was only one time he really ever was angry. He taught by example and through his love for our Heavenly Father.

I took a step back. I even pulled out the bible and did some reading in the New Testament. I found a parable to help with an issue that I am having for my daughter, I mean word for word! I pray that she will understand the message through it.

It's funny how revelations hit you like a ton of bricks. Duh! Here I have been sitting with probably the best instruction manual for parenting, and yet I never thought of it that way.

I hope that I can start to model my parenting skills after the Savior.

My first goal, remember baby steps:

I want to teach and be heard, not yell to be heard.

Some experience, strength and hope

Some of you may know my story, some may know parts. I have been asked by several therapist to write a book and maybe, just maybe one day I will. I want to share this because I am crying after just reading about the pain my sister is in right now. I hope that this will not offend anyone, and maybe just maybe help someone else out there that may have some trials of their own realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

I get my time frame mixed up, but here it goes...

I was about 13 yrs old.

It was a Saturday.

I was heading back home from the library and I ran into a girl from the teen group I volunteered with. She was smoking. I for some reason had a couple drags. I followed her and a couple of her girl friends over to her house. We talked, watched MTV nothing big. They started getting ready for a party. I looked at the time it was about 6 pm. I was going to be in trouble. They asked me if I wanted to go. I never had been to a party before. I was already going to be in trouble, might as well have some more fun right?

We got to the party. This my "friend" introduced me to a guy and asked him to babysit me. I remember her telling him, make sure I didn't get into any kind of trouble, and that I was a good girl. The party sucked. I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. This guy went and got me a drink.

After that it got hazy. I remember wanting to go home and he was suppose to take me.

I was in Maple Ridge at the time. Next thing I new we were over the Fraser River into Surrey. It was raining. He told me that he couldn't take me home that night. He showed me a tent were I could sleep. I feel asleep.

I woke up. It was cold, I had gum everywhere on my face and hair. I had bruises on my arms, legs. I was bleeding. I had hickeys all over. I didn't remember a thing.

I didn't know where I was and I thought I couldn't go home. I was so scared.

I got on the bus and made it back to my "friend's" house. I hid under her bed for days. I wanted to go home, but I was too scared.

I was going to get a drink at the store when I was met by a youth counselor for the teen group and he convinced me I should go home.

I went home. I was met by my parents who I knew I had disappointed. I looked am them and could not speak.

During the course of my teen years and even early adulthood I tried to avoid.

I used chemicals in all forms to avoid the feelings.

I stayed in the victim stance and horrible things happened.

There were some good times, but the bad overwhelmed them.

In 2002, I had a boyfriend try and kill me. I had a gun pointed at me. I had a knife held to my neck. I had huge bruises head to toe. It was a nightmare.

What was worse was the aftermath. I left him, never to go back again, yet that horrible night replayed in my head over and over and over.

I started to get some help.

I stayed at an abused women shelter.

I learned that I was an okay person.

I felt like a horrible mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend.

I kept trying to see were I had gone wrong.

Finally a therapist pointed out a few things:

1) I wanted to be a victim, because I sure in the heck was not choosing to survive.

2) I probably would never know why things happened the way they did.

3) I did I want to live the rest of my life?


Abra I hope you read this. I am not writing this because I want pity, Lord knows I sat on my pity pot long enough. I want to be there with you so bad, but I know somethings in life now.

IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!!!

This point I was at in my life was horrible.

How dare someone say I have to change something. I had been a victim of abandonment, rape, beatings, verbal abuse, drugs, environment, health issues, circumstances, guys, you name it.

I was the failure because of all this.

All of these things had only one common denominator. That was ME!

When all problems have the same common denominator, obviously that is something you look closely at.

I had to decide:

a) Was I going to continue to be a victim of circumstances?

or

b) Was I going to become a survivor of life?

I want to live today. Life isn't beautiful, and lord knows I been through a lot since this decision, but how I few life is way different.

I know that God loves me. Even though I have times that I have no one. When I feel my sisters have their own lives, I don't want to burden my parents, my best friends has her life, or my grandparents have too much on their plate, I go to god. It was hard at first, and my attendance and church isn't squeaky clean, but I know that I can call and talk to someone. Someone who truly knows my pain. After all he died suffer the pain and sins of the world. He to knows how it feels to not have the knowledge of god.

God allowed him to know the feeling of being forsaken.

I know what it's liked to be truly comforted by our lord. I have felt arms around me when I needed it.

The joke:

How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Repetitive words are so relevant.

So I close with this, hoping no one was offended, and hoping that it reaches someone.

There is nothing that one can't overcome, if one has the willingness.

There is place for every soul that's lost, there is a way back home, no matter where you've roamed. Let is love heal you. (Micheal McLean)

A Mother Helpless

As mothers we protect and love our children unconditionally. There are those occasional times where we are completely helpless and at those times we are lost.

I know I've been there.

This comes from reading my sister Abra's blog, and feeling her pain. I know at times of pain I turn more to my Heavenly Father then ever. I was crying one time to a bishop regarding all my pain and suffering that I was going through in my life. He gave me some wonderful comfort. He reminded me of the atonement and asked if I believed that Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane. Upon my answer, he then asked me why I was feeling like I was suffering by myself. See, I was under the impression Christ suffered for the sinners....not for my heartaches. This bishop told me that as long as I was unwilling to turn my pain over and move on from it, I was causing more pain and suffering on Christ.

Two things happened at this point. The first thing was a pang of guilt that hit me. How selfish was I? Christ has given the wonderful gift of atonement to me and I was not willing to accept it. The second thing was incredibly wonderful and has been a strong foundation for my growing testimony. I felt this incredible peace inside. I felt okay for the first time in my life. I felt arms around me and I knew that everything is alright and I am going through exactly what I need to at this time in my life. I also thought how awesome is it the Christ knows how heavy my heart is, he truly felt and new exactly how I felt. Never again could I ever think I was alone in something and that nobody ever has felt like I.

Thanks to this bishop in my early parenting years, I have been able to turn to my Heavenly Father and weep tears of gratitude and joy for his son that suffered for all of us mothers that have had heartache from their children.

Side note....Isn't weird sometimes you start to blog about something and its changes......I totally didn't mean to bear my testimony of the atonement, but I guess I needed to. I hope you find comfort in it!